Good song but ... WELL ACTUALLY, THERE WERE NO SIGNS

This is a hard one to write , I thought about doing it in a later story but wanted to get it out today. I hope it makes sense and not just a ramble .. truthful it helps me process what happened to write ... The phone rings, before I notice who’s calling I already know it’s bad. No one calls you at 330 am to say anything good or to talk about your day. Normally I get a broken pipe and restoration calls over night, 🚨emergency calls🚨Well not entirely true, I had an aunt that would drink a bit too much and do some random calling. But this was not that, still processing what’s happening, my eyes crusted over from the pollen filled air from the day before of cutting trees , I grab my phone “hello” I grunt out while clearing my throat. A voice on the other line sounds stressed and panicked “Hey it’s John” this was a call from a sub trade at work. He says “there is no real good way to tell you this, Grant killed him self last night ...I realize At the time I was playing Monopoly with my family last night, He killed him self ....... Instantly like my veins filled with coffee I’m up and awake.

I JUST CAN BELIEVE IT, it still seems like a dream..... maybe it’s just a nightmare... please wake me up

He was the owner of the company, that was a sub trade for 20 years. Great guy, Always up beat and cheerful. Grant had a wife, a couple of kids ages 3 & 5. You would never know that he was suffering inside, his outside was a gleeful, happy go lucky guy. But inside . He had really bad anxiety and I’ve known this for 15 years out of the 20, as one day he opened up and explained to me his anxiety. Back then he had turned down some work, which he never does. I was bugging him “what’s up man, you never turn down money” We got to talking and I still remember like it was yesterday, his words as his lip quivered and he rubbed his knuckles panicked, he was just to wound up from stress, work and life. He said (or very close to this)

“my mind just gets so panicked and frantically, I search for a solution but, there is no solution I can see, all I see is more problems, so my stress jumps a notch, I don’t think straight, it jumps another notch ... I’m not sure what happens when I run out of notches”

I feel for the people left behind, his wife, his kids, family, friends ... everyone... I feel for Grant as I wish I could have known things were bad. I would have done anything to be able to go back and maybe call him, go for a few beers and talk. I had no idea. Like I said his outward appearance was not one of sadness, fear and anxiety.

So today, just like any other day, Reach out to people you know just to say hello, ask how are doing? Check in with them. Unsure times are very hard on everyone, let alone someone suffering in silence with anxiety. And if you suffer from anxiety,

“Why didn’t you tell anyone”

“No one asked .....”

Be the one to ask, it could make a difference in someone’s life.....

Just know that anything is fixable in your life, your kids, wife, family, friends, coworkers all love you and care about you. No problem is permanent, anything if repairable .....well almost anything .....something is permanent, something you can’t undo.

PLEASE KNOW YOU ARE LOVED, PEOPLE CARE ABOUT YOU AND WHAT EVER IS MAKING YOU STRESSED ITS OK. THIS WILL PASS AND BETTER DAYS AHEAD.

Below are some links that may help you or some one you care about.

Suicide Prevention Life Line (USA)

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/

Crisis Service Canada ❤️

https://www.crisisservicescanada.ca/en/

Suicide Warning Signs ❤️

https://www.bridgestorecovery.com/blog/5-warning-signs-of-suicidal-behavior-that-are-easy-to-miss/

Thank you for reading and say a prayer for Grant, his wife and children. And check in on a few people that you haven’t heard from in awhile...... I know I am

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